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Posted by:

MaddoxMisery

Date:

December 14th, 2008 12:00 PM

Header:

bad news/ and slightly good-ish news. (please please read. important stuff)

Bulletin:

really this will highlight that i'm a big loser most likely..but here i go...the original text and the old posts about things are posted at http::maddoxmisery.deviantart.com there you will find past posts detailing more of things and a call for donations to help save my house or if you have a commission you want me to do..or even buy prints of my work. so without further ado...

oh good news first because this is going to be super bad...i posted the first 11 pages of my next book here at http://maddoxmisery.blogspot.com/2008/10/oh-shit-dead-witch-preview-ti
me.html you might need a laugh after all this. sorry in advance. i know i don't post very often..but i need to get the word out however i can.

contact me at maddoxmisery@gmail.com

key thing to know...2 weeks ago my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer..had 3 surgeries and is really in bad shape.

i saw my father again yesterday..it was rough..but he was awake. he was looking slightly better and we got to talk. that unguarded kind of talk we rarely had. thing is he never lost his sense of humor. he could barely even whisper anything..being so weak from the 3 major surgeries that removed practicly all of his intestines. it was hard seeing him in that shape. but i stayed there with him and talked..he did fall asleep here and there but thats really expected. he's been through alot.

when we got there we saw the 'other woman' sitting in the hall. claiming to have not seen him yet and really tired to get us to go home. 'you shouldn't have come all this way..i don't think they'll let you see him' she said. we then started making our way up to his floor..the woman went to the stairs and obviously went into a full sprint to get in there before us. something was up.

we waited in the waiting room for a while and finally they said me and my brother could go in. as i walked in my father saw me and reached out with his hand. saying something we couldn't hear. so we went in and sat down holding his hands. he looked at me and my brother and said 'i know i was never the best father..but i love you boys...you guys means the world to me. i'm sorry for everything. merry christmas..i guess. i don't know how long i really have. you guys have to take care of yourselves and each other now.' my brother then told him that he's going to get my other brothers to come down. i then told him we were there last friday when he was..well in a coma..and he smiled and said 'you did?' and i said that he was looking alot better than he did when i last saw him. he rolled his eyes and said 'i was DEAD..of course i look better now' and he smirked. he asked for me to get the nurse because he was feeling pain. so i ran out got her and they shot him up. he said something else but i missed it..he fell asleep before he could repeat it. so we sat there. holding his hands. he woke up again and i said mom was waiting to see him too..my brother went out to go get her. and my father and i were alone. he dozed off again...but woke up again and he started talking to me. saying he loved me and he was sorry again...but also saying other things i'm not going to repeat here. i almost started crying..he looked like he was going to cry. i told him to fight it as hard as he can. he's a marine..its in his blood to kick ass...and he said 'maybe the fights over...i need to rest.' my brother came back in as he fell asleep again. my mother wanted my brother to spend time with him. eventually my brother went out again to get my mother. he woke up again and i said to him 'johns out getting ma again' he rolled his eyes and made a motion with his hand 'she's always slow' he said. 'by the time she gets here i'll already have passed.' he then kind of laughed ending in a rough cough and wincing from the pain. my mother finally got in and they kind of talked..he was going in and out of sleep. i won't repeat what he said there. but for a moment it really dawned on me why they got married in the first place..theres an adoration there that has no words. it was touching really. growing up they worked so much and didn't have alot of time together so i never really got to see how they interact when there isn't like some dumb shit i'd get myself into that'd distract them. they have some unspeakable bond. my father wasn't a guy who was very emotional..he grew up in a family that was all about alienation..he never got along with his siblings and didn't have alot to do with his parents growing up. so emotions don't come easy. it spilled over in how we were raised..where it became just like how it was when he grew up. and he clearly regrets that.

when he moved out when i was little he always came around often. it wasn't like he cut us out of his life. he just wanted something for himself. when he grew up he worked little jobs and was forced to give his pay to his mother..when he went into the military it was to strike out and do something on his own...he met my mother and got married..he then started having kids..so it was all about the kids. it drove him crazy. thats why he left. but he didn't want to really leave us..he just wanted his own shit. so he built a life outside us and kept it all very seperate. but we saw him often. its wasn't what one would expect. it was strange to be sure..but now i kind of understand it. because i lived like that. any time i was in a relationship it became about the other person to the exclusion of my own happiness. he left us 20 years ago yes..but he was there often..for alot of years we saw him weekly..seeing how we were. he was there but he wasn't there..its hard to describe. my mother at a few points asked him what the deal was and if he wanted a divorce...he would always shoot it down and say he loved us and couldn't do that. he didn't want to. not until recently..which raises some questions...he wasn't being malicious about it..he seemed pushed into it due to being sued and other things. my mother refuses to accept it..we smell a rat really. especially when this other woman..who seems perfectly nice..obviously didn't even know he had a family and immediately went at me over money and tried to get others to push my mother to sign the papers...even going as far as to call her and push her into it. its not her fucking business. and my being there isn't about money..i'll scream that from the rooftops. I'M THERE FOR MY FATHER..I ACTUALLY DO HAVE A HEART.

so this is where it gets very shady. my father asks if we can go so he can sleep.'i don't want you guys hanging around watching me drool.'he said. so my mother and i go out to the waiting room. the 'other woman' sort of leaves in a huff whenever i walk in the room. like going outside the door to spy on us and making phone calls. she clearly doesn't have his best interests at heart. she had a lawyer who glared at us as she walked in. they have a conversation in whispers thinking they are smarter than us..i heard a bulk of it. saying how she's 'looking out for her own interests.' they then both went in to see him with some papers to try and get him to sign. we have no idea what the actual papers are..but really she's up to shady shit. really treating us like we are the enemy..we never made shit about money..never once. she did. i knew the first day when she jumped down my throat to say 'he has no money' and 'he's never going to help you' i didn't ask for shit...she just assumed thats why i was there. she assumes that since he was gone..seperated for 20 years that we didn't know him or have anything to do with him when really he saw us often and actually had a presence here.

he has to know somethings up..he had no clue we were there the first time..this woman didn't tell him. also he wanted to have his laptop because he doesn't feel he's getting the whole story. he has to see that this woman is up to something instead of doing the right thing. we are his family and we care about him and we want him to fight this..we might not have been the best family or the closest..but when you fuck with one of us you fuck with all of us. she's trying to choke my mother out so she signs the divorce papaer..something she has nothing to do with unless she's looking to do something fucked up...i just really went from accepting her for who she is..but her actions are deplorable and not in his best interest. he was agitated a bit over not knowing we were there before...he has to see somethings up..i hope he does.

we were going to try and see him again today but were told he wasn't having visitors..he's very agitated. its obviously wasn't us being around that did it. we are being supportive and there for him. we do love him in our fucked up way...

its getting darker...as dark as it gets.

my mother and brother are going to try and get loans to hopefully somehow take care of the tax bill...i hope they can get something sorted out. i'd take a shot too but i have zero credit and no savings...i'm doing my part trying to write the new resume and doubling my job search output..and hoping people who come here buy prints or whatever else i'm selling..or maybe if you have it in your heart make a donation. hell even words of encouragement are needed. any kind of commission you need let me know..i need people having my back..this is the hardest fight i ever had to undertake..so i need you guys out there. no bullshit.

running out of options...

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