It's pronounced woah-ger.

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20 Reasonable Resolutions for 2007

1. Pat more people on the ass. Not spank, per se, but a nice encouraging pat. Especially the elderly. They look like they need encouragement.

2. On the other hand, stop spanking the elderly. Even when they offer me money or goods in exchange for said spanking.

3. Get more bands to be my Myspace friends. Especially the Death Metal ones.

4. Decrease my public urination by 10 percent. (Which might be difficult given the next one).

5. Drink more fluids. I'd like to incorporate more spit-takes into my everyday life, but it seems I never have a mouthful of fluid when the situation warrants a spit-take.

6. Speaking of mouthfuls of liquid, decrease the "snow-balling" by 80 percent.

7. Learn to braid hair.

8. Grow out taint hair for braiding purposes.

9. Less "low-brow" humor. (Scares the higher caliber of ladies.)

10. Remove time-wasting activities from hygiene regime (i.e., inspecting sperm for texture and consistency.) (That "low-brow" humor resolution starts tomorrow.)

11. Lose weight without dieting or exercise.

12. Watch more late night TV to figure out how to accomplish previous resolution.

13. Start citing Pat Robertson, God and/or Holy Spirit as inspiration for all my actions and/or decisions in 2007.

14. When clapping, increase enthusiasm by at least 25 percent. Just don’t hoot or holler. My level of hooting and hollering appears to be more than adequate. Especially the hooting.

15. Don't criticize others when their hooting and hollering seems contrived and/or repetitive.

16. Decrease anonymous sex by 60 percent. (Recommend wearing a nametag more often and giving prostitutes real name.)

17. Stop sleeping. Altogether.

18. Criticize others for sleeping and wasting the precious moments of life. However, if said criticism goes a little overboard, try saving the conversation by patting the person on the ass.

19. When confronted by extremely obese men in extremely tight slacks, ask them if they have a penis.

20. Use funnels more when consuming alcoholic beverages. It saves time as well as harkens back to better days.